


glow, luminesce

by salipawpaw



Series: and they are home [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, CEO changbin, Falling In Love, Forehead Touching, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Slow Burn, Stand Alone, carnival date, freckle reverence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 14:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17982665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salipawpaw/pseuds/salipawpaw
Summary: Changbin thinks Hwang Hyunjin is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Changbin looks at him with love and longing and hope, even though he knows he could never have him.And then comes Lee Felix, celestial bodies thrumming under his skin and eyes lit with the sun and moon and the stars, and everything Changbin thinks he knows comes crashing down.-Or, the AU where Changbin is the company heir with too much on his plate, and Felix is the adorable stranger that tries to make him happy.





	glow, luminesce

**Author's Note:**

> here is the changjin/lix fic i promised!! hope yall enjoy!! 
> 
> i was told to tag this as light angst but.................. buckle up anyway fellas (-:
> 
> P.S. you can read this as a stand-alone fic, and you dont have to read the previous installment. i'd love it if you did, though!

The first time that Changbin meets him, he has his arm around Hyunjin in Changbin’s doorway.

Changbin doesn’t know who he is, really. He doesn’t know many of Hyunjin’s friends from university. They don’t see each other much on campus, with Changbin juggling his academics and managing his father’s entertainment company at the same time and all. It’s usually a good thing, given that whenever Changbin looks at Hyunjin something twists painfully in Changbin’s chest. And now especially, watching Hyunjin giggle innocently even as a drunk blush stains his face, Changbin’s chest hurts.

“Binnie, Binnie, Binnie-hyuuung,” Hyunjin drawls. “I’m hooome!”

Changbin resists sighing in frustration. “Do you have any idea what time it is, Jinnie?”

“Time for me to come home to you,” answers Hyunjin, dissolving into giggles afterward.

“Oh—oh, uh,” stammers the boy that Changbin doesn’t know. “Sorry, I didn’t know Jinnie had a boyfriend. I’m, um, I came to drop him off...”

A strawberry flush colors the boy’s freckled cheeks. Unlike Hyunjin, he seems sober as he pushes fluffy pink hair out of his eyes with a frantic hand.

“I’m not his boyfriend,” says Changbin, taking Hyunjin off of his hands. “I’m his best friend, Seo Changbin. Are you one of his uni friends?”

“Oh! So _you’re_ his best friend. It’s nice to meet you.” The boy rubs the back of his head. “I’m, um, Lee Felix. I met Jinnie in dance class at the start of the new semester.”

“I see.” Changbin looks him over. _Cute_ , he thinks, eyeing Felix’s coconut husk haircut and pastel pink sweater. “Well, thank you for bringing Hyunjin back. Did he...”

Felix tilts his head.

“Did he... you know...” Changbin sighs. “Never mind. Do you want to come in for some tea?”

Changbin doesn’t know why he says it. He doesn’t have a lot of tea left, to be honest, and he guards it with his life because his favorite tea leaves are rare and hard to find and Changbin only lets two people in his life taste it. That being, his own mother and _maybe_ Hyunjin, if he’s not being a brat. But something about Felix makes Changbin want to befriend him.

“That’s uh, it’s fine.” Felix smiles, waving a hand in the universal symbol for _no thanks._ “I have to get back to my roommate. Thank you, though.”

“...Alright, then,” Changbin says. “Be safe.”

Felix nods, and just like that he’s out of Changbin’s sight. Changbin resists the urge to call up his chaffeur to send Felix home safely. He doesn’t know where these urges are coming from, and he’s not sure if he likes it.

“You liiiiike him,” Hyunjin teases from where he’s nestled into Changbin’s arms. “Hehe, does hyung have a crush?”

“What? No,” Changbin grunts. “Shut up, you’re drunk.”

“Not drunk,” says Hyunjin. “I had... ten shots.”

“Pretty sure that means you’re drunk.”

Willing away his growing headache, Changbin carries Hyunjin to the guest bedroom in his apartment. It’s a bit of a struggle, since Hyunjin is (rather unfairly) much taller than Changbin, but Changbin manages through sheer force of will.

“Hyung, I sucked a pretty boy off today,” Hyunjin says as Changbin tucks him in. “He was so cute, hyung, did you see him?”

Changbin’s chest tightens. “No.”

“You should have seen him,” sighs Hyunjin. “He had freckles, hyung! So cute.”

“Freckles?” Changbin furrows his brows. “Did you—was it Felix?”

“What? Fel—no.” Hyunjin wrinkles his nose. “Lix is too pure for me.”

“Okay,” says Changbin, because he doesn’t know what to do with the relief blooming in his chest. “You really need to stop doing this.”

“Don’t worry, Changbinnie-hyung,” says Hyunjin. “I won’t touch your new crush.”

“My new—? I do not have a new crush,” Changbin huffs. “I’ve talked to Felix for literally five seconds, you—“

“Never said who it was,” Hyunjin giggles, and Changbin feels conned. “Told you, hyung, I’m not into Lix. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not into him either,” Changbin stresses. “You’re out of your mind.”

Hyunjin doesn’t look like he believes him. “You offered him the Sacred Tea Leaves.”

“That doesn’t matter. I’m...”

(He doesn’t know how to say _stupidly in love with you_ without actually saying it, so he cuts his sentence there and hopes for the best.)

“Gaaay.” Hyunjin sticks out a tongue. “I can give you his number if you want, though.”

“That won’t be necessary,” says Changbin, trying to will away the ache in his chest. “You should get some sleep.”

“Without you?”

Changbin stills.

“Wanna cuddle,” comes Hyunjin’s voice. “Don’t you wanna cuddle?”

(Changbin knows that voice. It’s the one he uses every time he finds a pretty little thing he wants to bed.)

(Or, well, every time he wants something.)

(It’s hard to resist, really. But Changbin can try.)

Changbin tries not to look at him—at the puppy eyes he knows Hyunjin is making. He knows he’ll give in the second they make eye contact. Denying Hyunjin has always been hard. So Changbin gives him silence instead of an answer, and takes a tentative step toward the doorway.

Hyunjin whines. He makes grabby hands at Changbin as he pouts. Changbin only shakes his head and trudges back into his own room, leaving Hyunjin to himself and the darkness.

And it hurts.

It hurts to leave Hyunjin there. Because Changbin knows Hyunjin will think Changbin is sick of him, even though he’s the only thing Changbin couldn’t possibly want more. Changbin _wants_ to be there. Changbin _wants_ to hold him—to hold him and embrace him and sleep comfortably in his arms. But he can’t.

Because Changbin’s heart is soft, and if he holds Hyunjin and lets himself believe Hyunjin is holding him because Hyunjin loves him, he doesn’t know if his heart can take it. Because Hyunjin _doesn’t_ love him. Not in the way Changbin wants. Needs. _Craves_.

If Changbin gives in, he knows his chest will ache the whole night and he won’t get any sleep at all. He doesn’t want that. He has a meeting with his board of directors tomorrow. Changbin knows they won’t accept lovesickness as a valid excuse for why he would inevitably fall asleep in the middle of the meeting.

But when Changbin settles into his bed for the night, Hyunjin crawls in after him, and Changbin finds himself face-to-face with a sleepy pout and tired eyes and it’s still the most beautiful thing Changbin has ever seen, and—and he remembers telling himself that he could never say no to this, to Hyunjin and his puppy eyes and his plump lips. And Changbin doesn’t. And Changbin can’t.

“You know, hyung,” murmurs Hyunjin, snaking his arms around Changbin’s waist. “The guy I blowed today looked a lot like my bunny.”

“Your bunny.” Changbin’s breath hitches as Hyunjin’s fingers come to play with the hairs on the nape of his neck.

“...Oh, not mine anymore, I guess,” Hyunjin says bitterly, closing his eyes. His fingers tickle. “But he looked like bunny. Ran away like bunny, too.”

“You should...” Changbin swallows. Hyunjin holds him tight. “You need to get over him.”

“Don’t know if I ever will,” Hyunjin admits, not catching the way Changbin’s breathing picks up. “I miss my bunny, hyung.”

Changbin’s chest hurts. “Does he miss you?”

“I want him to,” Hyunjin chokes out.

They come slowly. First in singular drops, and then in rivulets. _Tears._ A hiccup escapes Hyunjin’s throat.

“Jinnie...” Changbin‘s voice shakes. “Hyunjinnie, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” says Hyunjin. “I just want to see him, hyung. Why won’t he come see me?”

“I don’t know. But there are so many other people who love you,” Changbin answers. “Don’t—don’t dwell so much on someone who doesn’t, okay?”

“Don’t you get it, hyung?” Hyunjin laughs bitterly. “He did love me. It’s why he left.”

Hyunjin rubs at his eyes as more and more sobs start to spill out of his lips, and Changbin can’t do anything. Hyunjin holds him close, sobs into his shoulder, and Changbin can’t do anything. The feeling of helplessness claws a hole into his ribcage and settles there like it always does whenever they do this.

(And—and nothing. Changbin can‘t do anything.)

His chest aches the whole night. He doesn’t get any sleep. Not even when Hyunjin’s tears stop falling as his sobs quiet down and dark lashes fall shut against pale cheeks. Changbin lets himself hold Hyunjin. Changbin lets himself pretend.

(He wants Hyunjin so bad.)

Changbin falls asleep in the middle of his meeting and uses homework as an excuse.

-

For the next few days Changbin is swamped with so much work that he can’t think of much else. Trying to convince his board of directors that he’s fit for his father’s position—which he _already has,_ because his father gave it to him the instant he knew he’d be too ill to manage his company—and juggling homework for all of his classes has Changbin beat. He doesn’t mean to do it, really, but he falls asleep in the middle of composing in the university library (and accidentally drools all over his music because he’s that smooth).

He’s rudely awoken when several books crash to the floor behind him. A sharp _shh!_ comes from the librarian’s lips as Changbin blinks himself into consciousness.

“Sorry, sorry!” comes a deep voice. Familiar. “Won’t happen again...”

Changbin doesn’t see anyone behind him until he directs his gaze to the floor where someone is frantically trying to collect his fallen books. He sees the fluffy pink hair first, and then the doe eyes widening in recognition next.

“Felix,” Changbin says, blinking down at his crouching form. “You’re here.”

“Yeah! Yeah, I am,” says Felix with a bright smile. His cheeks flush. “Hello, um, Changbin-ssi...”

 _Adorable,_ Changbin finds himself thinking. Felix coughs after another book slips out of his hands. Wordlessly, Changbin gets out of his seat and crouches down to help Felix.

“...Hyung is fine. What’s with all the books?” Changbin asks, squinting at one of the labels. Felix squeaks, grabbing it out of Changbin’s hands.

“Nothing—nothing, um, hyung!” Felix says, cheeks going even redder than before. “It’s just casual reading!”

Felix curls the book into his arms, but it’s too late. _Ewha Korean,_ said the label. Changbin furrows his brows, picking another one up from the floor. Felix deflates as Changbin reads out the title.

“Integrated Korean...?” Changbin voices, looking back up at Felix. “These are Korean textbooks.”

“Ah... Yeah,” says Felix. He rubs the side of his neck. Two fingers come to rest on his jugular. “It’s, um... yeah.”

“Are you still studying Korean?” Changbin continues picking up the rest of the textbooks. Felix scrambles to join him. When they collect all the books, Felix follows Changbin as he stands up.

( _Tall,_ Changbin notes bitterly.)

“I—I am,” Felix admits. “I—uh, I haven’t been in Korea for long.”

“How long?”

“A few months?” Felix furrows his brows. “Four months.”

“Huh, you’re already pretty fluent, though,” Changbin notes, raising his eyebrows. He bites back a smile at the way Felix visibly preens. “Did you come to the library to study?”

“Yeah, sometimes I mess up when I write and I’m a little slow at reading.” Felix smiles sheepishly. “I... didn’t want to study at the apartment...”

“How come? Uh, not that I don’t want you here, though,” says Changbin before putting Felix’s books down and gesturing at the empty chair beside his own. “You can sit with me.”

Felix smiles gratefully and sets his books down beside Changbin’s music. They take their seats before Felix flips one of his textbooks open.

“It’s kind of stupid. Sometimes my roommate looks over my shoulder and makes fun of me when I mess up,” Felix confesses. “He means well and he helps me a lot, but I was kind of... on edge today, so I didn’t want to accidentally snap at him.”

Changbin blinks. _So pure._

“That’s not stupid. It’s so nice of you?” Changbin’s voice cracks and a giggle escapes Felix’s mouth. Felix’s hand flies up to cover it. “Hey!”

“Shh!” prompts the librarian. Changbin smiles at her apologetically before turning back to Felix with a pout.

“Dont laugh at my voice,” says Changbin, voice lower this time to not incur the librarian’s wrath.

“Sorry, hyung,” Felix giggles, turning back to his textbook. His smile is small and barely there, but Changbin still sees it, and it looks adorable. “Ah, Korean is so hard... English is so much easier...”

“Oh, you speak English?” Changbin asks. “Hyunjin does, too. Basic at least.”

“Yeah! It’s actually why we were such fast friends,” Felix says, face lighting up. “I was struggling a lot on my first day. Jinnie helped me out a lot.”

“He is a sweet kid,” says Changbin fondly. “Don’t believe what anyone else tells you.”

 _Because people talk,_ Changbin doesn’t say, _and they love to talk about Hyunjin._

“He’s only ever been, um, friendly to me,” Felix says, ears turning a little red. “Nothing like... what people have said.”

( _Lix isn’t my type,_ Changbin remembers.)

“Of course he wouldn’t—” Changbin stops himself. He lowers his gaze, only to bring it back up and look at Felix. “...Don’t judge him, okay? Jinnie’s... been through a lot.”

“I wouldn’t,” Felix says. “He’s, um, he’s talked to me before. About—about stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Before he—before you know... the stuff with, um, that guy.” Felix averts his eyes. “But yeah... I sort of know why he’s... like this... right now.”

“You mean really sad and gay?” Changbin supplies. “Aish, that guy left him devastated. Hyunjin deserves so much better.”

“From what Jinnie’s told me, they kind of... they both do,” Felix says, absently toying with the corner of his textbook’s page. “It does suck that bunny ran off and all, but that was at the end of things, wasn’t it? You can’t really say that Jinnie did nothing wrong, either.”

Changbin doesn’t reply.

“But they seemed... so in love... when they were together,” Felix murmurs. “It gets me thinking... if Hyunjin could have just... _told_ him, then maybe...”

“I...” Changbin looks down. “I never thought...”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t butt into others’ business like that.” Felix rubs the back of his neck. “Forget I said anything.”

“No, no, it’s alright. You have a point,” Changbin admits. “It’s just... maybe I’m just biased.”

“Understandable,” Felix says, smile returning. “He talks about you a lot, you know.”

“Hyunjin?”

“Yeah,” says Felix. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought...”

Changbin puts down his pencil. “Thought what?”

“Never mind.” Felix flushes. “He appreciates you a lot.”

“Oh,” says Changbin. His chest feels warm. Then, he blurts, “I love him.”

Felix presses two fingers over his jugular again, and he glances briefly at Changbin before turning back to the book that Changbin is sure he’s not even reading anymore.

(Changbin isn’t any better, though. His music lies forgotten beneath his drumming fingers.)

“Oh.” Felix swallows. “I—sorry for, um... what I said, then, you must have, um, not liked hearing that.

Changbin didn’t. “It’s okay,” he says, looking down at his fingers.

Felix looks up, several emotions passing over his face. “Maybe you should... do something. Conf—tell him how you feel.”

The words make something twist in Changbin’s chest. Again, he feels helplessness settle in his ribcage like an unwelcome spider settling into an unsuspecting home.

“He’s still in love with bunny,” says Changbin—softly, like saying the words quieter will make them any less real. He doesn’t know how he wound up here, having this conversation, with this cute boy that he barely knows.

Felix looks conflicted. “Do you really think so?”

“Yes...?” Changbin doesn’t know what to say. “Does Hyunjin talk to you about him?”

“He tells me he wants to move on,” Felix says. “He says he’s tired of feeling so alone.”

“Alone?” Changbin pulls back, baffled. “But... I’m right here. I’m always here.”

“He doesn’t seem to know that.” Felix ducks his head. “...I think I’ve said too much. Sorry, hyung.”

“It’s... it’s fine,” Changbin murmurs. He picks up his pencil. “Do you... really think I should...”

Felix doesn’t look at him. “I think that, if there’s something that’ll make you happy, you should go after it.”

“I’ll...” Changbin looks at his music. “I’ll think about it.”

Felix gives him a short nod and a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I could always... help you with him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I, um, I guess I could help you get together...” Felix brings his book up to cover his face. Only his eyes and his worried eyebrows peek out. “Um... you’re both so nice to me, so I guess this is... thank you?”

“Thank you?” Changbin repeats. “How would you... what do you mean by help?”

“Stuff,” Felix says, lowering his gaze. “Things.”

Changbin quirks his lips. ”That doesn’t sound very convincing.”

“I’ll think of something?” Felix looks at him. “I could text you? When, um, when I do?”

“Oh.” Changbin blinks. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Felix furrows his brows, accidentally dropping his book, which makes a loud thud as it falls onto the wooden table. The librarian gives them another dirty look. “Just—just like that? Okay?”

“Yeah, give me your phone.” Changbin shrugs. “I’ll put my number in.”

Felix stares at him for a beat too long before scrambling to tug his phone out of his pocket. Much like Felix himself, it’s a small, cute thing—an outdated iPhone with a faux fur case and a worn phone charm that Changbin doesn’t know how he managed to attach. The charm is vaguely kangaroo-shaped, and it reminds Changbin of Chan.

“There,” says Changbin when he finishes punching in his number. He saves it as _Changbinnie-hyung_ without much thought. Felix reddens after he squints at the name.

“Text me, okay?” Changbin adds, missing the way Felix gulps at his smile. “It doesn’t matter what about.”

“Right,” Felix squeaks, and they settle into a comfortable silence after that.

To be honest, Changbin isn’t sure why he takes up Felix’s offer, or if he’s even taking Felix’s offer at all. But he knows he wants to talk to Felix at least a little more, and maybe giving Felix his number is the way to achieve that.

Changbin ignores the tight, warm feeling that coils in his chest.

-

The next time Changbin sees Felix, they bump into each other in front of the entertainment company as Changbin is about to enter. Felix almost trips, but Changbin reaches out to steady him.

“Hyung!” Felix says, eyebrows raising. He has a paper bag clutched in his hands. “What are you doing here?”

“...I work here,” says Changbin, rubbing his neck. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“Oh, you work here? Maybe you know Chris!” Felix’s eyes light up. “He’s my cousin! I came to bring him lunch!”

“Chris—you mean Chan-hyung?” Changbin furrows his brows. “What about his lunch? Woojin-hyung didn’t make him any?”

“Yeah, uh, Chan-hyung—No, uh, he did, but hyung forgot so Woojin-hyung asked me to give it to him,” Felix says. Typical. “Um... actually, can you... help me? I... don’t know where his office...? I don’t know where he is.”

Changbin has a meeting in ten minutes. He _should_ direct Felix to an intern and ask them to take him to Chan, but he doesn’t, because of course he doesn’t. Him and his stupid urges.

“Probably in studio five,” Changbin murmurs. “Come on, I’ll take you to him.”

Studio five is on the highest floor of the company building. It doesn’t have as much equipment as the other recording studios, but Chan took a liking to it as soon as Changbin’s dad offered him work there. Mostly because it’s rarely used, and Chan likes to have his peace when he’s producing.

“Where’s studio five?” Felix asks, easily following Changbin’s pace as he weaves through the crowd of staff and trainees. Changbin nods to a few staff that greet him. He walks briskly—if he’s late again his directors won’t hesitate to roast him.

“Top floor,” he answers as they step into the elevator. It’s a glass-walled thing, with a view that looks out into the buildings of Seoul bathed in the harsh light of the noontime sun. “We have to hurry, okay?”

“That’s fine,” Felix says, blinking curiously through the glass. “How come? If, um, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“I have things to attend to,” Changbin answers vaguely. “Don’t worry, I’m still going to take you to Chan-hyung.”

“Hey, it’s okay if you have work.” Felix frowns, turning back to face Changbin. “I don’t want to burden you...”

“No, it’s really not a problem.” Changbin waves his hands defensively, even though it _is_ a problem. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen Chan-hyung anyway.”

“Thank you... um, are you two close?” Felix asks. “Are you, uh, are you the Binnie he talks about so much?”

“ _Binnie_ ,” Changbin breathes. “Sorry, say that again?”

“Um, Binnie?” Felix squirms. “Why?”

( _Holy shit._ )

“Never mind. Yes, probably.” Changbin flushes. “We’re friends. You’re cousins?”

“Yeah! We used to always spend weekends together,” says Felix. He smiles sheepishly. “Then he moved back here...”

“And now you’re here, too,” Changbin says. “I didn’t know you were the cousin he kept talking about.”

“Really? I’d have thought my name was memorable enough.” Felix raises his eyebrows. “Do you know another Felix?”

“He never mentioned your name,” Changbin answers. “Our friend, Jisung, liked to guess, though, and every time he would, the names got more ridiculous and I think that’s why Chan never ended up telling us.”

“Jisung? Han Jisung?” Felix brightens. “He’s my roommate right now!”

Changbin blinks. Jisung didn’t say anything about that. “How come you’re rooming with him and not Chan-hyung?”

Felix rubs his neck. “I didn’t want to... intrude... on Chan-hyung and Woojin-hyung... so he suggested Jisungie.”

“They wouldn’t have minded,” Changbin points out. “Chan would have taken you in.”

“Yeah, but... you know how he is, hyung.” Felix quirks his lips. “He works so much that he’s almost never home, and the few hours he spends there is his only time with Woojin-hyung. I didn’t want to intrude on that.”

“Oh,” says Changbin. His chest tightens. “That’s... so... sweet of you.”

Felix’s ears redden. “I was just trying to be considerate...”

And then Changbin notices. Squints. Felix has his head down, but it’s still very obvious that his freckles aren’t where they should be. That being, on his face at all. When Changbin leans closer to check, Felix’s cheeks are smooth and clear.

“Hyung?” Felix says, voice cracking at their proximity. Changbin flinches and moves away.

“Sorry, it’s just—“ Changbin blushes. “Where are your freckles?”

“My—oh!” Felix’s eyes light up again, like lanterns in broad daylight. “Here!”

Felix grins. He brings his small hands—small and _cute_ hands—up to his face and rubs at his cheeks. When they come away, Felix’s freckles reappear.

“Tah dah!” he says, cupping his cheeks with his small fingers and looking like a gem. _Precious_. “I was wearing concealer.”

Changbin clutches his heart. He makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat.

“Hyung?” comes Felix’s worried voice. His hands fall away and _no!_ screams Changbin’s mind. “Are you alright?”

 _What the hell,_ Changbin thinks. Why does his chest feel so funny?

Luckily he doesn’t have to answer, because his phone rings and he has to take a call from his secretary.

“You’re late,” she says, voice disappointed but not surprised. “What are you doing?”

“Just... things, don’t worry,” Changbin says. He tries to calm himself down. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Does soon mean soon or does it mean until you’re done with whatever you’re messing around with?” Changbin can almost hear the eyebrow quirk in his secretary’s—Jimin’s—voice.

“I’m bringing Chan-hyung lunch,” he says urgently, taking advantage of his Jimin’s soft spot. “Don’t you want Channie-hyung to be healthy, noona?”

“...Ugh, fine, I’ll tell the board you were talking to a professor,” Jimin sighs. “Make sure Channie eats. And hurry up!”

“Yeah, yeah,” says Changbin, but Jimin is already ending the call. He turns to Felix with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Lix, but I really have to go. I’ll ride with you to the top floor, but after that I have to leave.”

“It’s okay, hyung! Really, it’s fine,” Felix insists. “You’ve done more than enough already.”

As if on cue, the elevator dings and opens up to the top level. Something in Changbin’s chest twists. For some reason, he doesn’t want to go yet, but his feet carry him out into the hallway nonetheless. Felix follows him almost hesitantly.

They pause. Changbin watches Felix almost longingly.

“Um, hyung...” Felix averts his eyes. Now that his concealer is off, Changbin can see the blush clear on his cheeks.

“Yes?”

“Where’s studio five?”

Something feels like it’s shattering, Changbin thinks, and he exhales as he feels his composure return.

“Down the hall,” Changbin says. “Third to the last door.”

“Thank you,” says Felix, looking down at his shoes. “I’ll—I’ll see you around then?”

“Yeah. See you,” Changbin says weakly. He watches Felix give him a last little wave as he bounds down the hallway to find Chan. He looks so much smaller from a distance.

It’s odd. His chest feels odd. Shaking his head, Changbin tells himself that it’s the coffee he had this morning that’s making him feel weird. He’s out of tea, after all, and maybe he’s just unused to the shot of energy that coffee gives him. He did have coffee. Didn’t he?

 _Yes,_ Changbin thinks as he turns on his heels. That must be it.

(When he checks the small jar of ground coffee beans that he bought for this morning, the packaging is still sealed.)

-

For some reason or another, Changbin keeps bumping into Felix. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s almost ridiculous how much Changbin sees him now when he used to never see him at all. They text on occasion, and sometimes when Changbin can’t sleep Felix keeps him company through video call as Changbin distractedly produces tracks until they both nod off.

(He still looks unfairly beautiful at midnight, when his eyes droop from fatigue and his skin flushes from the way Jisung sets the air conditioning.)

(And—the freckles. The freckles are always there at midnight.)

Changbin almost forgets why he has Felix’s number in the first place. And then Felix calls him with a shaky voice one day, and Changbin is forced to remember.

“Hyung, remember when I said I’d help you and Jinnie get together?” comes his voice, crisp and clear through the speakers of Changbin’s expensive cellphone. “I managed to get you tickets for that carnival coming to Han River Park.”

“Oh,” Changbin says. Something in his chest sinks. “Right.”

“I’m, um, I’ll give the tickets to Chan-hyung,” says Felix. “I’ll ask him to give them to you.”

“Thank you.” Changbin’s voice is weak. “I’ll... pay you back.”

“There’s no need, hyung,” Felix says. Changbin can almost see his strawberry flush. “I’m happy to help you.”

“Alright,” Changbin concedes, because he knows this will never end if he doesn’t. “What if... what if he says no, Lix?”

“Who could say no to you, hyung?”

Changbin’s chest tightens again. Maybe he needs to see a doctor.

“Hyunjin could,” he says. “I’m nervous.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Hyunjin wouldn’t,” says Felix. “This is your chance, hyung. There’ll be fireworks. You could confess when they go off.”

“That’s so cheesy.” Changbin grins. “Who knew Lee Felix was a romantic?”

“I’m plenty romantic,” Felix bluffs. “You’ve just been too busy to see it.”

“Shame,” Changbin says in mock-disappointment. “Would’ve been a sight.”

Changbin plops down at his kitchen island. He plays with a grape that’s fallen off of the branch. There’s a small smile on his face.

All of a sudden, a palm lands on his shoulder and he flinches. He whips his head back to see Hyunjin blinking curiously at him. He let himself inside, it seems.

And then Hyunjin grins, and Changbin knows he heard that last part.

“Hey, I gotta go,” Changbin says. “Hyunjin broke into my apartment.”

Felix giggles on the other line. “Good luck, hyung.”

The phone call ends. Changbin stares Hyunjin down. “Don’t,” Changbin says. “No.”

“I haven’t even said anything yet.” Hyunjin smirks. “Let me guess, you were talking to Felix?”

“Why is that your automatic assumption?” Changbin huffs, turning back to his grape. He pops it into his mouth. “I could have been talking to Chan.”

Hyunjin climbs onto the counter and quirks a judgmental brow at Changbin. “With that kind of smile on your face? Highly unlikely.”

“What kind of smile?”

“Like whoever you’re talking to is some kind of grace,” Hyunjin says. “Like they hung the stars just for you.”

Changbin looks up at him. He’s outlined by the soft, orange hues of the lamp in Changbin’s kitchen. Changbin looks up at him and thinks _grace._ Isn’t this grace?

“I know because I...” Hyunjin’s smile falters. “Because I look at bunny like that.”

( _Look,_ not _looked_ , and Changbin feels something crumble in his chest.)

“You better make a move, hyung,” says Hyunjin, looking down at his dangling feet. “Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

“...Jinnie.” Changbin swallows. “I don’t... I won’t. Because I don’t have a crush on Felix.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Hyunjin says, looking back at Changbin. “You’ll have to admit it eventually, you know.”

“I keep _telling_ you,” Changbin groans, “I don’t have a crush on Felix! I’m in love with someone else!”

Hyunjin gives him a look. “Who? Channie-hyung?”

“No,” Changbin grunts.

“Damn, would’ve paid to see that porn.”

“Hyunjin!”

“Kidding, kidding.” Hyunjin’s eyes twinkle. “Who is it then?”

Changbin blanches. “Are you going to take me seriously?”

“Probably not unless you say it’s Felix after all,” Hyunjin admits.

“Then I won’t tell you.” Changbin turns away. Hyunjin whines, nudging him in the bicep with his foot.

“Come on, hyung, I won’t judge you.” He pouts. “Tell me.”

“Do you really want to know?”

Hyunjin looks at him incredulously. “Of course I do, it’s my duty as your best friend to be your wingman for whoever this person is.”

 _Oh, the irony,_ Changbin’s mind laments.

“Then, come to the carnival with me,” Changbin says. He tries to keep his voice steady. “Come with me, and I’ll tell you.”

“You mean the one that’s coming to the park next week?” Hyunjin tilts his head. “That’s so dumb, why not now?”

“What if I want the mood to be right?” Changbin frowns. “Is there no romantic bone in your body?”

“Save that for Lixie,” Hyunjin snorts. “Sorry, I mean... for whoever you have the hots for.”

 _It’s you, you dumb bitch,_ Changbin doesn’t say.

“Just come with me,” he says instead. “I already have tickets. There’ll be free food.”

Hyunjin squints at him.

“You know I don’t eat after four o’clock.”

“Free stuffed animals.”

“...You drive a hard bargain,” says Hyunjin. “Fine, I’ll come.”

And that’s the end of that. Changbin tells Felix it’s a success, for the most part, and Chan passes him the tickets as they run into each other at the company one day.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Chan says to him. Changbin ignores the disappointed look on his face. He’s used to it, anyway. Chan has never approved of Changbin falling for Hyunjin. He’s always said something about their needs clashing too much.

“I’m an adult,” Changbin replies. “I’m trying to make a move, here.”

“Wrong person,” says Chan. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you and Felix.”

A crease forms between Changbin’s brows. “What about us?”

“You two would’ve been perfect together.” Chan frowns. “What is going on? I thought...”

“Felix is... setting me up with Jinnie,” Changbin says. “We’re friends. That’s it.”

“That’s not what you sound like when you talk,” says Chan. “Listen, I know Felix. I know how he feels about you, even if he doesn’t say it.”

“Can you shut up about Felix?” Changbin snaps. He watches disappointment pass over Chan’s face. “Sorry, it’s just... Jinnie says the same thing and it’s just frustrating.“

“Remember what I said,” Chan says with a warning tone. “Your needs clash.”

“Can you...” Changbin massages his temples. “Just let me do this.”

Chan sighs. “I’m sorry, Binnie. You know I only want the best for everyone.”

“I know, hyung.” Changbin looks down at his feet. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting.”

Chan nods, and neither of them acknowledge the fact that Changbin heads toward the exit. He makes his way home and sits out on his balcony until the sun falls asleep and the sky is painted navy blue. Stars dot its inky expanse.

( _Like Felix’s freckles,_ Changbin thinks.)

The rest of the week passes by without much excitement. Changbin is mostly nervous. He’s decided that he’ll follow Felix’s advice and confess to Hyunjin when the fireworks go off. They agree to meet at six o’clock, and Changbin waits for him on a bench a short distance from the carnival’s festivities. His leg won’t stop bouncing.

Ten minutes pass.

 _Fifteen more,_ Changbin tells himself.

Fifteen minutes pass.

 _Maybe just five more,_ Changbin thinks.

Five minutes pass.

“Where in the...” Changbin’s cellphone rings. “...Hello?”

“Changbinnie-hyung, I’m so sorry,” comes Hyunjin’s voice. “I can’t make it tonight—I completely forgot that I had work to do!”

“You... you had work,” says Changbin flatly. “You could have told me earlier.”

“Sorry, hyung, I only remembered because my dance group called me,” Hyunjin says. “I’m at practice right now. I really can’t make it.”

Changbin massages his temples. “Then what am I supposed to...”

“It would be a waste if you didn’t put those tickets to use,” Hyunjin tuts. “I happen to know that a certain someone is free tonight—“

“I swear to god, if you say—“

“Felix!” Hyunjin exclaims. “Felix is free tonight.”

Changbin groans. “How many times do I have to tell you that I do _not have a crush on Lee Felix!_ ”

“I didn’t say anything about a crush.” Changbin can almost see Hyunjin smirking. “I was just going to suggest you going together, as friends, but if you’re thinking otherwise...”

“You know what? Goodbye,” Changbin grunts. “Have fun practicing, you jerk.”

“Hyung, I said I was sorry!”

“Felix wouldn’t treat me like this.”

“Maybe you should ask him out then.”

_”Goodbye.”_

“Fine, you grump,” says Hyunjin. “Bye, hyung! Love you!”

Changbin ends the call. Something unpleasant settles in his chest. He slumps back into his seat as he shivers. It’s cold out, and Felix’s efforts were for nothing. Great.

This was supposed to be his chance. He’s more than a little devastated. He isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do now, with his two tickets and his hollow chest. Changbin doesn’t want to go home yet. He has an inkling that it will feel like defeat.

...It _would_ be a waste, though, if—if he didn’t use the carnival tickets. It’d be a waste if he didn’t go with anyone.

And Felix... Felix wouldn’t mind, would he? He’d like the carnival. And Hyunjin did say Felix was free...

Changbin dials Felix’s number. The phone only rings twice before he answers.

“Hyung!” Felix breathes. He’s panting. “You—you’re calling.”

“I am,” Changbin says. “Are you... okay there?”

“Yeah, ugh, I’m fine.” Felix groans. “Sorry, I’m uh, exercising.”

Felix’s breathing is heavy through the phone. Changbin hears something like a giggle from the background as shuffling noises filter through the speakers.

“...Exercising?”

Felix moans, seemingly not having heard Changbin. “ _Jisung._ ”

“I can, uh...” Changbin gulps. _Jisung?_ “Should I hang up?”

“No,” Felix says. “Sorry—oh, _fuck_...”

“I think I should hang up,” Changbin says. “You seem... busy.”

“No! No, don’t,” Felix insists. “It’s just—get off me, Sungie, I’m trying to talk to Changbin-hyung—“

Changbin squirms. A pang goes off in his chest. “What are you doing?”

“Yoga with Jisung,” Felix groans. “It’s torture.”

“Oh,” Changbin exhales. Something that feels like relief escapes his lungs. “Are you... okay?”

“I’m fine, back just hurts,” Felix grunts. “How about you? Is everything fine with... with Jinnie?”

Changbin ducks his head. “He ditched me.”

“...He ditched you?” Felix gasps. “What?”

“He had... other matters to attend to... I’m not mad at him,” Changbin sighs. “I was thinking, you know, if you could... Well, it’d be a shame for these tickets to go to waste, you know?”

“Are you saying—sorry, maybe I’m interpreting this wrong...”

“I was going to say...” Changbin inhales. “Do you want to come?”

Felix’s breath hitches. “Me? With—with you?”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s fine,” Changbin adds quickly. “It’s alright, I could just—“

“No, I’d—I’d love that!” Felix’s tone brightens. “I love carnivals!”

“That’s great,” Changbin breathes. “I’ll wait for you here?”

“Yeah, yes, uh—!” A thud. “Ouch, shit, sorry!”

“You okay there?”

“I—I tripped over Sungie,” Felix squeaks. “I’ll meet you—I’ll see you soon! Goodbye!”

“Bye,” Changbin says, even though the call has ended. The phone beeps, and Changbin leans back. He tilts his head up and looks at the sky—cloudy, with the hazy shape of the moon only faintly visible through wispy cotton gray. Changbin is upset.

It’s not a pleasant feeling, to sit on a bench for half an hour only to be told that it was for naught. It’s not a pleasant feeling either, to know that there was someone who worked so hard to get this to happen and yet, despite everything he did, it didn’t happen. Changbin feels almost guilty.

He’s not even upset that he didn’t get to confess. Changbin can do that whenever he wants, but... Felix went through all that trouble. He didn’t even _need_ to. But he still did. All so that Changbin could get his shit together and confess.

And yet here he still is. He still hasn’t confessed. Hyunjin still doesn’t know Changbin is in love with him. Changbin broods and frowns and hates his life for a total of fifteen minutes, and then Felix arrives, and suddenly the clouds don’t seem so gray.

“Hyung,” comes Felix’s voice—soft and deep and smooth. Like honey. Like wine. “I’m here.”

“Hi,” Changbin breathes. What a sight.

Felix’s grin is blinding, with ears bright red and eyes twinkling like he couldn’t have wanted anything more than being here right now. His fluffy pink hair is tousled. Yoga with Jisung must’ve been _atrocius_ , Changbin thinks.

“Shall we?” Changbin says, quirking his lips and rising to extend a hand toward Felix. Felix looks at it almost reverently. “Well? Wouldn’t want to get seperated.”

And Felix, whole face lighting up, laces their fingers together with no hesitation.

It doesn’t take Changbin very long to realize that Felix’s hand is tiny intertwined with his own. He holds it gently. He’s still debating on whether or not he wants to let go.

( _Maybe not,_ part of him thinks as Felix gives him a soft squeeze.)

“Where do you want to go, Lix?” Changbin asks, more a way to distract himself from the growing feeling in his chest than indecisiveness about what to do. Felix brings his free hand to his neck.

“Um, ring toss?” Felix quirks his lips. “I’m good at those.”

“Hmm, I think I can do better,” Changbin says. “You’ll have to prove me otherwise.”

Felix tilts his head. “How?”

“The one who has the least number of successful tosses has to buy dinner,” says Changbin confidently. “Prepare your wallet.”

“You sure, hyung? I meant it,” Felix says, but he’s already tugging Changbin along to enter the carnival. “You might regret this.”

“No way, have you seen my arms?” Changbin bluffs. “I’m shaping up better than Chan-hyung.”

“Let the ring toss do the talking, hyung.”

Felix, inevitably, does not prepare his wallet.

Instead he tosses every ring he’s handed straight onto the pegs hammered into the ground, and both Changbin and the attendant watch him win time and time again with jaws wide open. Felix only shrugs, accepting his prize at the end with an amused expression.

“For you, hyung,” Felix says, handing Changbin his prize. Changbin gapes.

“Holy shit,” says Changbin, because the prize is a gigantic, fluffy thing—a teddy bear, soft and canary yellow, four feet tall and fat. “Holy shit, Lix, are you for real?”

Felix’s smile falters. “You don’t want it?”

He does. He really does. Changbin loves stuffed animals—in fact, he can’t sleep without one. And he’s delighted at the prospect of his little Gyu having a friend. He squeezes it once. _It’s so soft,_ he laments.

“No! I mean, yes!” Changbin hides his face behind the teddy bear. “I mean—I want it. Yes.”

When Changbin peeks out to look at Felix, his smile is blinding and his ears are flushed soft pink. _Oof,_ goes Changbin’s chest. _Oof,_ goes his heart. Changbin didn’t know there were two suns.

“Your face—“ Changbin stops. Felix has concealer on again. “Your freckles, they’re...”

He struggles for a bit. Adjusts the bear in his arms. Changbin reaches out toward Felix’s face with the hand that he wiggles free, and he begins to rub at Felix’s cheeks even as he stiffens.

“There,” Changbin murmurs, hand lingering a little too long. “Better...”

Felix swallows. Watches him nervously through dark lashes. “Better?”

“I like your freckles,” Changbin says. Softly, like he’s afraid to be heard. “I like them like this.”

Felix brings a hand to his freckled cheeks. “Oh...”

“I like it when you don’t cover them.” Changbin averts his eyes. “Let’s go and buy dinner.”

Felix relaxes, and they do. The stars light up his skin as if they live within his veins every time Changbin glances at him. He laughs when Changbin struggles to pay for the food with a giant teddy bear in his arms and only lays a hand on Changbin’s shoulder before pulling out his wallet and paying for the food himself.

“But our deal,” Changbin tries to say.

“Let me,” Felix replies. And Changbin does. Changbin lets him. Changbin has enough money to fund this entire carnival and it probably would make more sense for him to pay, but Changbin lets him.

( _”Who could say no to you, hyung?”_ Felix had said, but really, it’s ironic. Changbin can’t seem to say no to him, either.)

They sit at another small bench just shy of the dip in the hill that leads to the riverbank. Changbin only struggles for two minutes before he gives up on trying to feed himself. The bench doesn’t have a backrest, and he’s too afraid of getting his teddy bear dirty. Besides, they can barely fit onto it with the food sitting between them.

“Lix,” he calls. Changbin feels himself flush. “Can you...?”

Felix looks at Changbin’s food. He seems to get the idea, but he flushes even redder than Changbin. Strawberry-red and freckled.

“Do you want me to feed you?” he asks anyway. Changbin nods sheepishly. “Okay—Okay, hyung.”

Silence settles over them as Felix takes turns bringing food to Changbin’s mouth and then his own—using only one pair of chopsticks, at that. Changbin’s chopsticks. The air is thick with _something._

“Have you named your bear, hyung?” Felix asks, probably to diffuse the _something._ Changbin tries to relax.

“No,” he says, tugging gently at the bear’s ear. “I’m still thinking.”

“How about Changbinnie?” Felix smiles. “Changbinnie is cute.”

Changbin’s chest feels weird. Must be the goddamn coffee that he’s still not sure if he consumed. “How about...” he pauses. “What’s your Korean name?”

“My Korean name?” Felix tilts his head. “It’s Yongbok.”

Changbin’s eyes light up. “Yongbokkie.”

Felix flushes all the way down to his neck.

“Hyung,” he whines. “ _Nooo_.”

“I’m going to name my bear Yongbokkie,” Changbin decides. “He’s going to be Gyu’s friend.”

Changbin only says it because Felix already knows about Gyu—Changbin’s stuffed munchlax—and doesn’t judge him for being unable to sleep without him. Still, Felix looks conflicted.

“My mom cried for a month when my grandfather gave me that name,” he murmurs.

“How come? Yongbok is a handsome name. I think it suits you,” Changbin says. He wiggles the teddy bear’s stumpy arms. “And it suits Yongbokkie. Look, he’s waving at you!”

Felix makes a strangled noise as he covers his eyes. “Hyung...”

“Hey, there’s really nothing wrong with your name, and Yongbokkie thinks so, too,” Changbin croons. “So don’t be upset, okay, Yongbok?”

Felix peeks through his fingers. “Okay.”

“ _A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet,_ ” Changbin quotes.

“Shakespeare?” Felix giggles. “Wow, an intellectual.”

“I have a lot of skills,” Changbin bluffs. He keeps bluffing throughout dinner and Felix looks delighted every time, and maybe that’s why he keeps going in between bites of food. Maybe it’s also why he keeps going even after dinner—to make Felix laugh—even though he loses at the games he bluffs the most about, and Felix keeps winning even when he self-deprecates.

He keeps winning and winning and soon enough there are too many stuffed animals to name in Changbin’s arms. For the rest of the night Felix hands them out to the kids that watch Changbin jealously and their mothers smile warmly at him. They smile warmly and they thank him, and Felix might really be an angel. He might really be divine.

(Changbin doesn’t give up Yongbokkie, though. This one is his.)

(Felix only grins.)

When the fireworks go off, Felix is handing the last stuffed animal that isn’t Yongbokkie off to a chubby little girl. He whips his head up, eyes shining in wonder like he is a child, too. His lips, pouty and pink, part slightly in a silent gasp.

“The fireworks are so beautiful,” Felix murmurs.

“Yeah,” Changbin agrees. “Beautiful.”

(He isn’t looking at the fireworks.)

Felix, expression softening, rises to meet Changbin’s eye. He gives Changbin a half-hearted smile. “You were going to confess.”

“I was,” says Changbin. “But...”

“But Hyunjin isn’t here,” Felix finishes. The light in his eyes goes out, and suddenly the _something_ is back. But it’s different, somehow.

“You’re here,” Changbin says, and he doesn’t know why. The words tumble out of him like sand through a broken hourglass. “Hyunjin isn’t here, but you are.”

“Second best,” says Felix. He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’m not the one you wanted to confess to.”

Changbin doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know what to say, and when the silence stretches, Felix nods to himself like he’s found an answer. Changbin doesn’t have one.

Felix smiles at him when they head home, but Changbin doesn’t see them. Them, the celestial bodies in his veins. Them, the stars lighting up his skin. They're gone, and Changbin’s head aches all the way home trying to think of where they went. There’s no more strawberry flush. No more pink ears.

(When he gets home, he puts Yongbokkie in the guest room.)

(He’s not sure that he can face it and feel anything other than _something._ )

-

“What did you do to my sweet son?”

Changbin blinks. When he looks up, he expects to see Chan. Only he would refer to their friends as his sons, after all, but it is not Chan.

It’s Jisung, dressed in one of Felix’s giant sweaters. He crosses his arms and pouts and looks about as threatening as a small squirrel. His brows are furrowed and his lips are set in a pout. Upset, Changbin notes.

“You don’t have a son,” he says, moving his gaze back to his documents. Still unsigned, still unread. “Why are you here this late? You have class tomorrow.”

Jisung rolls his eyes. “So do you.”

They’re in Changbin’s office at the entertainment company. Top floor, of course, with a wall made of windows behind Changbin’s back. The night sky is almost dull above the city lights. Changbin has snuck out—no, he doesn’t have anyone to sneak away from, he’s _gone out_ —of his apartment again. He’s been doing that a lot the past two weeks.

He can’t sleep, so he works. He doesn’t work at home, because Felix tries to call him. Changbin leaves his phone and he goes to the company to do all the work that he avoids in the daytime. In the mornings he texts Felix that he accidentally left his phone, every single time, and Felix stops trying to call him at around the seventh day.

(Changbin brought it upon himself, but he still feels lonely.)

“I’m talking about Felix,” Jisung says when Changbin goes silent. “What did you do to him?”

Changbin brings up a document. Squints at it. “I didn’t do anything.”

“So you’re telling me...” Jisung pauses to hop onto Changbin’s desk. He’s sitting on a document. Changbin glares at him until he scoots over so that he isn’t crushing it.

Jisung clears his throat. “So you’re telling me that Felix started acting all sad and mopey after your date two weeks ago, and it has nothing to do with you?”

“It wasn’t a date.” Changbin swallows. “He was stepping in because Hyunjin couldn’t come.”

“Hyunjin can always come,” says Jisung. “In more ways than one.”

“It _wasn’t a date,_ ” Changbin says again. Hyunjin isn’t a subject he wants to broach, especially not after the carnival.

“Then what was it?” Jisung challenges. “Two bros having a grand old time winning stuffed animals together? Standing five feet apart ‘cause you’re not gay?”

“I am gay. We are gay,” says Changbin. He signs another document. “Seperately.”

“Tell that to the four-foot-tall teddy bear that he gave you. He told me about Yongbokkie,” Jisung retorts. “Do you know how much he hates being called Yongbok? How did you even—“

“What are you trying to do here?”

“I’m _trying_ to knock some sense into you.” Jisung frowns. “What did you... how did you even make this happen?”

Changbin sets a document aside. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Do you even see the way he looks at you?” Jisung throws up his hands in exasperation. “Do you even know how he _feels?_ ”

“We’re just friends, he knows that.” Changbin swallows. “What did you think was going on?”

“I don’t know,” Jisung huffs. “There was definitely _something_ there. I thought you liked him. I know he—“

“Should you be telling me this?” Changbin asks to cut him off. Changbin’s not sure he wants to know what Jisung knows. “I’m in love with—with Hyunjin. You know this. Felix was trying to set us up.”

“He... he was?” Jisung deflates. “I didn’t... know that...”

“He was, okay?” Changbin’s head starts to hurt and he looks at Jisung and means it. His voice starts to crack and he hopes Jisung doesn't notice. “He was,” Changbin says once more, swallowing down the _something_ in his throat.

“But the carnival...”

“When the fireworks went off he turned to me and reminded me I was going to confess,” Changbin says. He feels it again—words tumbling out of his mouth. This time, like boulders down a hill. “Felix said, ‘but Hyunjin’s not here,’ and I said that _he_ was, though.”

Jisung leans in. “What did he say next?”

“He called himself... second best,” Changbin chokes out. “And he said he wasn’t the one I wanted to confess to. So I didn’t.”

“...Were you going to?” Jisung’s eyebrows furrow. “Holy shit, hyung—“

“I think you should go home now.” Changbin stands. Jisung hops off of the desk to be level with him. “I’ll walk you out.”

“Hyung,” Jisung whines. He follows Changbin out of the office like a lost puppy. “Were you going to confess to him?”

“It’s very late,” says Changbin. “What were you thinking, coming out here at midnight?”

“I’m not a child.” Jisung scowls. “Answer me, hyung.”

Changbin does not answer him. He ends up driving Jisung home himself, because Jisung wouldn’t stop whining about getting murdered in an alleyway and it being entirely Changbin’s fault. Jisung still badgers him all the way home, and then refuses to get out of the car until Changbin gives him _something._

“I swear to god, Jisung, I will retract my job offer,” Changbin groans. “I’ll find another photographer. I’ll do it.”

“No, you won’t, because you love me and so does your dad.” Jisung crosses his arms. “Just say—say something, hyung, I don’t know! None of this makes sense!”

“When has anything ever made sense to you?” Changbin pinches his nose. He takes a deep breath, and even though he doesn’t want to, _something_ tumbles out of his lips again. “...Maybe.”

Jisung does a double-take. “What?”

“Maybe I would have.” Changbin doesn’t meet his eyes. “Done something. If he wasn’t so sure. Because... I...”

Changbin swallows.

“Oh my god, hyung,” Jisung breathes. “Oh my god! Finish that sentence!”

Changbin does not finish his sentence, because Jisung’s phone rings at just the right time and Felix saves him again.

“...I’m right outside, don’t worry,” Jisung tells Felix through the phone. Jisung gives Changbin a look. “I was just talking about work with Binnie-hyung. He drove me.”

 _Go home,_ Changbin mouths. He gulps.

“I’ll... I’ll be right up,” Jisung says. “I can make it up by myself, you don’t have to come down. Really. No—hyung is... too tired.”

Jisung pauses. He covers the phone. “Hyung, Felix wants to talk to you. He says you haven’t been answering his calls.”

“I answer his texts,” says Changbin weakly. And maybe, because Jisung knows him, he knows Changbin can’t talk to Felix right now. He knows Changbin will start crying.

“...Lix, he’s half-dead with exhaustion,” Jisung says. Changbin’s entire body relaxes in relief. “You can talk to him tomorrow.”

Jisung opens the car door and regretfully steps out. His phone is still pressed to his ear. _Bye,_ he mouths, but the look in his eye says _this isn’t over._

Changbin watches him disappear into his apartment complex. He slumps against the wheel.

If Felix wasn’t so sure, maybe Changbin would have done something. Said something.

Because Changbin—Changbin isn’t sure.

-

The next person to visit Changbin’s office at midnight isn’t Jisung. It’s Hyunjin, still looking like some sort of deity even at half past twelve. He’s wearing the tight jeans—the ones Changbin likes but doesn’t tell him—and the soft blue turtleneck that Changbin knows he got from bunny several months ago, before they ended things.

Hyunjin perches himself on the same spot where Jisung sat several nights before. Changbin wishes people would stop sitting on his work desk.

“There are chairs,” Changbin tries to say. Hyunjin scrunches up his face.

“Hyung, everyone knows the gays can’t sit right,” he says. “That includes you. Don’t think I don’t see you slouching.”

“I’m not slouching,” says Changbin, definitely slouching before he straightens his back.

“A little birdie told me you weren’t sleeping,” says Hyunjin, crossing his legs. “They said you go here instead, moping and pretending to do work.”

“Whatever Jisung has told you, don’t believe a word,” Changbin says. He tries not to watch Hyunjin’s fingers drum at his thighs.

Hyunjin squints. “It was Chan-hyung actually, you’re both such hopeless insomniacs. He’s here, too.”

Changbin knows. He doesn’t approve, but he knows he can’t tell Chan to stop. He’s doing the same thing, after all. It’d be hypocritical of him.

“He’s just scared I’ll break his record of longest time spent without sleep,” Changbin grumbles half-heartedly. Hyunjin swats at him.

“You jerk, neither of you should be proud of something like that.” Hyunjin pouts. “Something happened.”

Changbin pretends to read a document. Here we go again. “Really?”

“Something _must have,_ ” Hyunjin says, “at that carnival.”

“You ditched me,” says Changbin flatly. “That’s what happened.”

“I have _obligations_ ,” Hyunjin stresses. Changbin knows—Hyunjin has been swamped the past few weeks and they’ve barely talked. “‘Sides, you got to spend time with Lix. What did you do to him, by the way? My poor baby.”

“Why do you all assume I did something?” Changbin frowns. “I didn’t do anything.”

“He’s even less confident than usual,” Hyunjin says. “He makes more mistakes in dance class.”

Changbin’s chest aches. “Is he okay?”

“Depends on what you think is okay,” says Hyunjin. “He’s mostly functional. Mostly.”

“What?”

“Well, he’s really sad,” Hyunjin answers. “Really sad and gay, and he won’t tell me what’s wrong. I think Sungie knows, though. What happened?”

“I—“ Changbin stops. “I don’t know. Maybe he was... expecting something.”

“A kiss? A confession?” Hyunjin counts on his fingers. “Passionate lovemaking?”

Changbin gives up. “Something like that.”

“ _Ooh_ , why didn’t you give him all three, then?” Hyunjin asks. He leans in further. Changbin can smell his new perfume—honey and cakes. “You already like him. You could’ve just gone for it, doofus.”

“ _Doofus?_ Are you twelve?” Changbin grimaces. “And for the last goddamn time, I told you, I—“

“—don’t have a crush on Lee Felix,” Hyunjin finishes, voice deadpan and monotone. “Whatever you say, hyung. I still don’t believe you.”

Changbin wants to scream. He doesn’t, though, or else Chan will come down the hall to check on them.

“I’m in love with someone else,” he says shakily. “It’s not Felix.”

“You still haven’t told me who,” says Hyunjin. His tone is still teasing and playful, like Changbin isn’t already over-frustrated. “Is it me? How convenient, I’d love to get crushed by your thighs.”

It’s a joke, of course it is. But that doesn’t change the fact that Hyunjin is right.

Changbin doesn’t reply, and the cheeky smirk on Hyunjin’s face starts to fade. Realization dawns on his features, but he doesn’t say anything. Changbin can see him swallow when Changbin stands up. Changbin walks around the desk to settle his hands on either side of Hyunjin. Traps him, almost. Hyunjin, lips parting, uncrosses his legs to let Changbin in.

(It looks almost reflexive, and Changbin’s chest hurts.)

“Hyunjin,” Changbin rasps. “It’s you.”

“What? Are—are you for real?” Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “No way...”

“I mean it,” says Changbin. He leans into Hyunjin’s space. “I’m in love with you.”

“Me...?

“Yes. You.”

Hyunjin’s breath is hot on his cheeks. Mint candy and something else. “You’re... in love with me...”

“Felix has been trying to get us together,” Changbin tells him. “It’s why I’ve been talking to him so much.”

(The last part is only a half-truth, but Hyunjin doesn’t need to know.)

“That’s... impossible,” Hyunjin manages. “You? In love with _me?_ ”

“Why?” Changbin meets his eyes. Dilated. “Does this sound impossible to you?”

“You’re—you’re a good person, hyung. Classy and talented and responsible,” says Hyunjin. “I’m a cheap hoe. What could you possibly want with me?”

“All of you,” says Changbin. His mouth feels like it’s on autopilot. “I just want—I want you, is that so wrong?”

Hyunjin laughs. “Everything I am is wrong.”

“Don’t—don’t _say_ that,” Changbin stammers. “You’re not _wrong._ ”

“Of course I’m wrong. I’m so wrong, it’s almost laughable,” Hyunjin says. “I literally drove my ex away by refusing to acknowledge that we were in love. It was so wrong.”

“That was months ago,” says Changbin. He leans closer. Hyunjin doesn’t back away. “You’re better now.”

(He isn’t. They both know.)

“I’m still wrong,” Hyunjin says. “And you still want me?”

“I want you,” Changin answers. “Stop talking about yourself like that. Bunny wouldn’t want it.”

“You know, then?” Hyunjin gives him a practiced smile. “You know I’m still in love with bunny?”

“I know.” Changbin was afraid of this. He closes his eyes. Presses their foreheads together. Hyunjin lets him.

“You know I can’t love you back, then,” Hyunjin says. “I still love bunny, and I’m still wrong. You can’t love either of those away.”

Changbin opens his eyes. “I can try.”

“This won’t work,” Hyunjin murmurs. He nudges Changbin with his leg. “All our friends will hate us, and I’ll be more wrong than ever. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I still want this,” Hyunjin says, lowly and softly like it’s a secret. It’s that voice—the voice reserved for pretty young things. “I’m in love with someone else, and so are you, even if you don’t realize it. But I still want—“

Hyunjin snakes his arms around Changbin’s neck. He hooks a leg around Changbin’s waist.

“I still want _this_ ,” Hyunjin breathes. “If we’re together, this will be it. We can try to love each other, but I don’t think it will work.”

“But you still want this.” Changbin lays a palm over Hyunjin’s thigh. Hyunjin’s breath hitches.

“And you?”

Changbin swallows. “I want this.”

“You’re going to get hurt,” says Hyunjin. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I can take a beating.” Changbin pulls back. “I’m telling you again—I want this.”

Hyunjin licks his lip. “Off.”

“What?”

“Off of me,” Hyunjin says. Changbin scrambles to release him. They look at each other for a second. “Come here.”

Changbin is confused until Hyunjin hops off of the desk to saunter over to the windows. A Hyunjin-shaped silhouette blocks the city lights.

“Come here,” Hyunjin says again. Changbin doesn’t waste any time. He looks up at Hyunjin through heavy lashes. “God, I’ve always wanted to do this.”

Hyunjin tilts Changbin’s head back by the hair and then suddenly his mouth is nipping and sucking at Changbin’s throat. It feels good—like nothing Changbin has ever felt before. _Felix has a really nice throat_ , he thinks, and then Changbin stops thinking.

“I’m only agreeing to this because I have an ulterior motive,” Hyunjin murmurs against his skin. “I have an ulterior motive—did you hear me, hyung?”

“I heard you,” Changbin mumbles. “Don’t care.”

"Tell me to stop at any time," Hyunjin says, "and I will, okay? You can say no."

Changbin doesn't say no. He takes Hyunjin with Hyunjin’s palms pressed against the glass because it’s what Hyunjin wants. He treats Hyunjin like he’s a thing to be used, because it’s what Hyunjin wants. He tries to be everything else that Hyunjin wants, because he can’t be the one thing that Hyunjin wants the most.

He can’t be bunny. And he can’t make Hyunjin love him.

But he can try.

(Changbin takes him home, and he tries not to think about what he’s just done. Hyunjin is his, now.)

(But does he really want him?)

-

It starts with Chan.

Hyunjin didn’t want their friends to know that they’re together now—not yet, at least, because he’s afraid of getting wild complaints and probably a beating. From Jisung, most likely. So Changbin plays along, and whenever they touch it has to be behind some sort of façade. It’s almost like a game.

They’re terrible at it.

Within twenty-four hours Chan starts giving them suspicious looks. Changbin only brushes him off every time he asks. Chan isn’t any less suspicious. One day he walks into Changbin’s office to show him a track, and Chan blanches.

He walks right in on them with their tongues down each other’s clothes.

“I can explain,” Changbin says, heart racing as he seperates himself from Hyunjin. Hyunjin, already used to this kind of embarrassment, only sighs and tries to will his blush away.

“Hi, Channie-hyung,” says Hyunjin lazily.

“...I refuse to condone this kind of behavior,” Chan says severely. He shuts the door behind him and marches sternly toward Changbin and Hyunjin. He goes on a rant about sexual health and Changbin’s reputation and Hyunjin’s promiscuity, and then he huffs and tosses them a condom before storming out of the room.

Hyunjin only shrugs before hooking a leg around Changbin and picking up right where they left off.

The next to know is, unfortunately, Jeongin. He’d been back in Busan for a while to spend time with his family, but came back here for voice lessons with Woojin. He’s training to be an idol, and it’s like he’s their child. _Everyone’s_ child.

Changbin will regret this the most. Jeongin walks in on them in the same manner as Chan— _like father, like son,_ Chan will say later with tears in his eyes—and then he cries for twenty minutes in Chan’s studio as he whimpers about wanting to go back to Busan. Chan glowers at Changbin for several days. Jisung, upon finding out that Changbin made Jeongin cry, does, too.

“You better stop,” Chan warns Changbin gravely. “I _will_ get you fired.”

“I own this company,” Changbin retorts.

Chan only raises a brow. “Your father likes me more,” he says, and Changbin doesn’t reply because he knows it’s true. Chan is fully taking over the company if Changbin ever dies.

After Jeongin, Woojin finds out because Chan already found out, and Chan rats everything off to him eventually. Woojin approaches them and sits them down and tells them both exactly how stupid they’re being.

“What did you think sneaking around would bring you?” Woojin asks. “Did you think no one would find out?”

“Guess playtime’s over,” Hyunjin says to himself when Woojin confronts them. Changbin asks him what he means, but he doesn’t give a clear answer.

“Ulterior motive,” he whispers, and Changbin feels a chill.

It’s only a day after Woojin’s confrontation that they decide to tell everyone else, albeit one by one. Hyunjin decides to talk to Jeongin and Jisung, and it leaves Changbin with Felix. Because of course Hyunjin would arrange it that way.

“Ulterior motive,” he says again before they part, and Changbin doesn’t know how to feel.

Felix meets Changbin in the library the next day, even without Changbin telling him where he is. They’d agreed to talk, but hadn’t decided where. The library will do, Changbin decides. They’re in a little nook of it far away from the librarian, this time.

“Hyung...” Felix’s voice cracks. “Hi...”

He’s got bags under his eyes, and his fluffy pink hair looks too undone. It’s freshly re-dyed, though, Changbin can tell. He’s wearing Jisung’s hoodie.

“Hey,” says Changbin weakly. “Come sit.”

Felix obediently sits next to him, but he looks almost too nervous. His ears are red, and he’s wearing concealer again. Changbin swallows his disappointment and tells himself it was never there.

“I need to tell you something,” they both say at the same time. Felix looks shocked.

“Um, you can go ahead, hyung...” Felix gulps. “I—You can—yeah.”

“You can go first, if you want,” Changbin says. “Really, it’s fine.”

“No, I insist...”

So Changbin tells him. He watches the little light left behind Felix’s eyes go out and pretends not to notice.

“Hyunjin and I are together now,” he says, but it doesn’t sound like good news even though it should. “I...”

He doesn’t say thank you.

(It doesn’t feel like either of them wanted this.)

“Oh,” comes Felix’s voice, after a very long time of staring at his hands and trying to get words to come out of his mouth. “I—oh. Congratulations.”

Changbin swallows. Maybe Felix should have gone first. “What were you going to tell me?”

“...Never... never mind, hyung,” Felix warbles. He sounds like he’s trying to keep his voice steady. He’s failing. “It’s not important, anyway. Congratulations again.”

“...Felix?” This time, it’s Changbin’s voice that cracks. “You can tell me. What were you going to say?”

“Nothing,” says Felix. “I can’t.”

Felix stands up.

“Lix?” Changbin looks at him, eyes glossy and wet. “Yongbok?”

“Please call me Felix,” Felix chokes out. “I have to go.”

And Felix goes. And Changbin doesn’t follow him.

-

To Hyunjin’s credit, he tries to be a good boyfriend. He succeeds about sixty percent of the time.

He massages Changbin’s back when he has knots from being bent over his desk for so long, and he brings Changbin his lunches when he forgets to eat. He brushes back Changbins hair and kisses his temples and it’s almost enough to convince Changbin that he actually loves Changbin back.

Almost.

The other forty percent of the time, he only wants to fuck. When Changbin’s shoulders loosen, he presses kisses against Changbin’s neck. When Changbin has had his food, Hyunjin bends over the desk and tells him to burn away the calories. He does brush back Changbin’s hair and kiss his temples, but he always reminds Changbin afterward:

“I’m still in love with bunny,” he would say. And then he would ask, “do you still want this?”

Changbin would say yes, and then he would hold Hyunjin and they would pretend to be lovers for the night.

(They aren’t lovers.)

(Lovers need to love each other.)

It’s a dangerous game. Hyunjin would seem more and more tired the longer they do this. But he doesn’t cheat on Changbin in any way other than emotionally, and Changbin is fully aware of that. Still, he kisses the salt off of Hyunjin’s lips and pretends that, maybe if he does this enough times, maybe if he makes Hyunjin whine and whimper and moan his name enough, he might be able to make Hyunjin fall for him.

(He doesn’t.)

(Can’t.)

They lie next to each other on Changbin’s bed one day. They haven’t done anything there—Hyunjin never wants to, when they’re on Changbin’s bed. But he doesn’t seem to have any qualms about doing it anywhere else. He would always say:

“I don’t want to ruin it for—“ then he’d pause. “Never mind.”

They only cuddle. This time, Changbin is tucked into his side. Hyunjin brings his free hand up to squint at his own fingers. It’s midnight.

“I ran into bunny today,” Hyunjin murmurs. He tells Changbin most things, as he did even before they were together. “He was... he looked softer.”

“Softer?” Changbin whispers. “How?”

“His hair falls over his forehead now.” Hyunjin smiles softly. “Makes him look younger.”

Changbin swallows. “Did you talk to him?”

“He punched me,” Hyunjin laughs. “He called me a dumbass.”

“Oh.” Changbin doesn’t know if he should be relieved or not. He doesn’t think he is.

Hyunjin blinks back up at his fingers. He brings them down to his chest. Weakly, Changbin tries to lace them with his own. Hyunjin lets him.

“He said he was willing to be friends,” Hyunjin says. “We’re going to... try.”

“Try?”

“The friendship thing,” Hyunjin explains. “We’re going to try and be friends. Just friends.”

Changbin doesn’t think they’re going to end as just friends. “Will you leave me, when you stop being friends?”

Hyunjin squeezes his hand. When they lock eyes, Hyunjin’s gaze is sincere.

“We won’t stop being friends. I’m done leaving,” he says. “I won’t be leaving anyone. Not you. Not anyone. Not anymore.”

And Hyunjin doesn’t leave him. And Changbin doesn’t like it.

“Hyung,” Hyunjin calls as Changbin is about to fall asleep. Changbin takes a breath.

“What?”

“I’m going to try and love you,” Hyunjin says finally. “It’s what you deserve.”

A pause. Hyunjin looks at him with a guilty gaze and Changbin can only sigh.

“Go to sleep, Jinnie,” he says, and Hyunjin does.

The next few weeks, Hyunjin sees more of bunny and Changbin sees less of Felix. They still talk, but it almost hurts. Because every time Felix looks at Changbin, his eyes are soft and warm and reverent ( _Not the right word,_ Changbin thinks) and it’s the exact same way that Hyunjin looks at bunny.

Changbin knows, because they pass by each other sometimes, when Changbin and Hyunjin and the rest of their friends are having lunch on the grass field of their university. Hyunjin smiles and waves and looks lovesick, and, when Changbin looks at him, bunny is doing the exact same thing.

(Smiling, waving. Looking lovesick.)

All their friends watch the scene knowingly. It’s almost as if they give up every time they notice that Changbin isn’t doing anything to stop this. Jisung gave up on talking them out of—of all this, after maybe twelve tries.

Hyunjin and bunny really are only friends. Or at least, they’re acting like it. It’s almost as if they’re pretending the sun doesn’t exist when it’s right there above them, when it’s right there and it burns and warms their skin and makes them flush autumnal red, and the sun is their feelings for each other and it’s just there. There, but they refuse to acknowledge it.

Changbin is sick of it. He feels like an umbrella that Hyunjin uses so that the sunlight doesn’t reach him but it does anyway, and Changbin is sick of it. He’s sick of feeling useless and used at the same time.

Hyunjin doesn’t ask him anymore. Hyunjin doesn’t tell him that he’s still in love with bunny, and he doesn’t ask if Changbin still wants him. But now the answers are clearer than ever, at least to Changbin. He is sure of two things.

Fact one: Hyunjin is still in love with bunny.

Hyunjin still has their pictures on his phone. Sometimes, there are new ones, but it’s never of just the two of them. There are always two or three people in the shot. Changbin knows for a fact that they’re never alone together, and that bunny’s friends are protecting him like bulldogs. Changbin also knows that Hyunjin doesn’t mind at all.

The more time they—bunny and Hyunjin—spend in each other’s presence, the warmer Hyunjin’s smile is when he goes to Changbin’s apartment afterward. He’s all soft eyes and smiling lips and rosy cheeks and if love could have a face, Changbin thinks it would look like this.

One night Hyunjin murmurs bunny’s name as he and Changbin go at it slowly on the couch, and Changbin thinks he’s hearing things. When they head to bed, Changbin realizes that he isn’t. Hyunjin did call bunny’s name, and he calls it again when he’s smiling in his sleep. Bunny’s name. His real one. It sounds like the sweetest thing that Hyunjin has ever said.

(It doesn’t feel like Changbin is losing him.)

(It feels like they’re breaking free of each other.)

Fact two: Changbin isn’t in love with Hyunjin.

He doesn’t know when he realizes it exactly. Whenever Hyunjin is out with bunny and his friends, Changbin wanders and wanders and one day, he bumps into Felix at the library. He’s still starry-eyed and pink-haired and there are still celestial bodies in his veins, Changbin _knows_ , but the light under his skin is dull. He looks exhausted.

“Felix,” says Changbin softly. Felix looks like he wants to bolt. “Wait.”

To his credit, Felix tries to relax. He fiddles endlessly with the books on the table and struggles with meeting Changbin’s eye. Changbin takes a deep breath.

“Can I sit next to you?”

Felix glances at him. “Go ahead, hyung.”

Changbin approaches him slowly, like he’s afraid of scaring Felix off. He takes his seat and tries his best to look non-threatening.

“Can we talk?” Changbin asks, watching Felix longingly. “I want us to talk.”

“Why?” Felix swallows. “What is there to talk about?”

“A lot of things,” Changbin says. “Can’t I talk to my friend?”

“Your friend...” Felix looks down. “Your friend tried to talk to you.”

“I was... avoiding my friend for a while. That was really stupid,” says Changbin. “I’m hoping my friend can forgive me.”

“To be honest, hyung...” Felix pauses. Looks up at him, stars in his eyes, under his skin. “Your friend would forgive you anything.”

“That’s really...” Changbin draws a sharp breath. “I don’t deserve you.”

“What is there to deserve?” Felix quirks his lips. “Your friend misses you.”

“I miss my friend, too,” Changbin says. “We should fix this.”

The light—the stars, the celestial bodies, they come back. Slowly, but surely, they come back.

“...I want to fix this,” Felix answers finally. “But first...”

Felix rubs at his concealer. His freckles—the constellations on the tawny galaxy of his skin—reappear. He cups his own face and smiles. This time, it reaches his eyes. It looks real.

“Tah dah,” he says softly. _Smiles_ softly. “They’re still here. You looked like you forgot.”

“Ow.” Changbin clutches his heart. It swells in his chest. “ _Felix_.”

“Hyung, you know my name,” Felix says almost hesitantly. Changbin’s lips part in realization.

“...Yongbok?” he says gently. “Yongbokkie?”

Felix swallows. Nods. He smiles at Changbin again and it feels, in that moment, like maybe everything is alright. And maybe, maybe it’s also at that moment that Changbin realizes it.

He’s not in love with Hwang Hyunjin.

Maybe he never was.

-

It’s an odd little dance they’re performing, like some sort of cosmic joke. Changbin and Hyunjin are still together, but they both know they're not in love. They still touch. They still pretend. They both know the truth.

But Hyunjin still won’t leave him.

“I’m trying to love you,” Hyunjin says shakily, carding his fingers through Changbin’s hair as they lie next to each other and pretend. “You deserve to be loved.”

“So do you,” Changbin retorts, caressing Hyunjin’s cheek as a lover would. “Do you think we can be in love?”

“We can try,” Hyunjin answers. His smile is bittersweet but his eyes look like they’re begging for something else. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“You’re hurting yourself by staying,” says Changbin. He brushes Hyunjin’s cheek. “You can leave.”

“I’m—I can’t,” Hyunjin chokes out. “I can’t do that to you.”

“Do you think I still love you?”

It’s harsh. Changbin knows. But Hyunjin’s eyes were begging, and now they look relieved.

“No,” Hyunjin says softly. They both know this. They’ve known it for a long time. Changbin sighs. He presses their foreheads together.

“...I’m going to leave you,” he says, eyes closed and breath warm. He opens them when he feels Hyunjin shift. “Are you going to be upset? When I leave you?”

And “No,” Hyunjin answers again. Changbin feels lighter. “Will you leave me now?”

“Not yet,” answers Changbin. “Maybe in the morning.”

And they wait for the morning. They sleep as pretend lovers, one last time. When the sun rises, Hyunjin gives Changbin a final kiss.

“Thank you,” he murmurs against Changbin’s lips. “I love you.”

He only says it because they’re not together anymore, because he always has loved Changbin. As his brother, as his friend. And Changbin loves him in the same way.

“Now we can both be happy,” says Changbin, and Hyunjin smiles brightly for the first time in a long while.

“Told you you were in love with someone else,” Hyunjin teases, eyes twinkling. “Go get him, tiger.”

“Shut up,” Changbin says. “I’m not sure yet.”

“You should be,” answers Hyunjin, and part of Changbin agrees.

They don’t tell their friends at first. Chan only looks at Changbin oddly when he enters Changbin’s office the next day, and he notes that Changbin looks unusually relaxed.

“You seem happy,” Chan says tentatively. “Did something happen?”

“Something did,” Changbin confirms. “I’ll tell you soon.”

And then Hyunjin walks inside, and all the secrecy that Changbin tries to preserve is immediately destroyed.

“Channie-hyung!” Hyunjin exclaims, slinging an arm around Chan’s shoulders. “Changbin-hyung is single now. Do you want to film a threesome with him and Woojin-hyung by any chance?”

Chan flushes bright red, and he eyes Hyunjin incredulously. “Excuse me? Why would I—why would we do that!”

Changbin massages his temples.

“He’s single now.” Hyunjin wiggles his eyebrows. “Feeling adventurous?”

“You broke up with him?” Chan’s jaw drops. “Holy shit!”

“He dumped me,” Hyunjin sighs in mock-sadness. “Can you believe that? Me, a keeper. Dumped.”

Chan looks at Changbin, sitting at his desk in despair. He looks like a proud father, tears in his eyes and all.

“...Son, I’m so proud of you,” warbles Chan, and it’s all the warning Changbin gets before Chan is attacking him with a tight hug. He pets Changbin’s hair and starts talking about responsibility and proper break-ups and Changbin isn’t really listening to him, because Hyunjin is right there.

Hyunjin smiles at him, and he looks happy. Changbin returns it, and he knows he looks happy, too.

The next person to know is Jisung. Only because he walks in on Hyunjin and Changbin talking to each other over the desk a few hours later, and they’re not making out.

“Something is amiss,” Jisung says, and he eyes Hyunjin suspiciously. “You! What’s going on here?”

“Um.” Hyunjin cocks a brow. “We’re talking?”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” says Jisung. He marches up to them severely, but he still doesn’t look very threatening in his canary yellow sweater. Actually, it’s probably not even his.

“Nothing makes sense to you,” says Hyunjin, and Changbin knows in that moment that they definitely are best friends.

“You’re not making out,” Jisung notes. “This isn’t correct.”

“We broke up,” Changbin says in an attempt to cut his losses. He doesn’t want to drag this out. “Why’re you here, Sungie?”

“Chan-hyung told me to come up,” answers Jisung. “Only to be faced with lies! You can’t play with my feelings like this!”

“Why would he lie about dumping me?” Hyunjin asks. “I’m single again, by the way. Wanna bang?”

“You shut your mouth.” Jisung frowns. “Go bang your rabbit boy or whatever.”

“ _Bunny,_ ” Hyunjin corrects, but Jisung doesn’t listen.

“Changbin-hyung, you broke up with him!” Jisung exclaims. “Does this mean you‘re finally gonna confess to—“

“Jisung I will _fire_ you,” Changbin threatens, but he knows he’s already lost the second Hyunjin perks up from where he’s sitting on Changbin’s desk. (Changbin gave up on trying to stop them.)

“What’s this?” Hyunjin chimes. “I’ve never heard this gossip.”

Jisung opens his mouth, but Changbin raises his stapler threateningly at him. Jisung turns around and tries to leave.

“Jisung, don’t you dare say anything!” Changbin calls. “Don’t you _dare_ tell him!”

“Can’t catch me!” says Jisung, and he dashes out of the doorway before the stapler can hit him. It falls to the floor with a thud.

“Wait!” Hyunjin shouts. He uncrosses his legs and swiftly hops off of the desk. “Sungie! Give me answers!”

And just like that, Hyunjin leaves him to chase Jisung down. Changbin suspects everyone will know his secrets by tomorrow. He decides to get to Felix first before Hyunjin can ruin it for him.

Changbin texts him to come to the library that night—it’s never closed, anyway—and Felix texts him back that he’s already there. Changbin scrambles to meet him then.

He finds Felix in the little nook of the library furthest from the librarian. Felix’s smile is bright when he greets Changbin.

“Good evening, hyung,” he says, putting down his book and gesturing to the empty seat next to him. “How’ve you been?”

The last time they’d spoken in person was when Changbin bumped into him and told him Changbin missed him. They’ve been texting, though, and Felix has been calling him at midnight again. Hyunjin has never minded.

And Felix, it seems, has gotten healthier. The light in his eyes is definitely back, and his skin glows as if sunlit. Most importantly, he isn’t wearing concealer. His freckles are bared proudly.

“I’ve been well,” Changbin says even though he hasn’t felt free until this morning. “I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” Felix tilts his head, and watches curiously as Changbin sets sheet music down on the table. He’s only doing it so that it seems like he’s actually here for a reason.

“We broke up.” Changbin takes a seat. “Hyunjin and I... we aren’t together anymore.”

“Oh.” Felix’s smile falters. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” says Changbin. He fiddles with a page. “I broke up with him.”

They lock eyes, and Felix looks almost hopeful. He opens his mouth. Closes it. In the end, he doesn’t say anything.

“Hyunjin—he still loves bunny,” Changbin says. He knows he doesn’t sound as hurt as he should be, for someone who just ended a relationship. “I... don’t know if I ever loved him. In that way.”

“You might have,” Felix says, but he doesn’t sound sure anymore. “Hyung, I... don’t know what to say.”

“It’s alright,” Changbin reassures. “I appreciate that—that you tried to make us happy.”

“It wasn’t...” Felix gulps. “You’re...”

 _It wasn’t a problem,_ Felix is trying to say. _You’re welcome._

But Changbin hasn’t said thank you, and it was definitely a problem. Especially for everyone involved.

“I really do appreciate you, but I think you were trying to set the wrong people up,” says Changbin. He takes a breath. “Can we... try again?”

Felix looks at him once more, and there is definitely hope in his eyes. Hope and light and stars and the sun and—and he might as well hold the entire universe in his eyes, because Changbin looks at him then like that’s what he is. Like he’s the entire universe.

The entire universe nods to himself, like he’s found an answer, and this time Changbin knows that he has one.

“...We can try again,” Felix says, and he doesn’t ask with who. Because they both know, and the unspoken words hang in the air like they’re a tangible thing.

 _I think I know what love feels like,_ Changbin doesn’t say, and Felix smiles at him like he heard.

-

Changbin should have known this would happen. Hyunjin and Jisung together are a menace.

Inevitably, Jisung does tell Hyunjin about what Changbin said that one night. He tells Hyunjin everything. Changbin knows because Hyunjin, every second of the day, _won’t stop talking about it._

“Why didn’t you tell him he was wrong!” Hyunjin would lament, taking Changbin by the collar and shaking him.

“Let go of me, I’m trying to do homework—!”

“He was wrong,” Hyunjin would sob then. “That was so wrong!”

It would go on like that until Changbin would inevitably kick Hyunjin out of his apartment. Then Jisung would let himself inside somehow, and then he’d list down every reason why Changbin should jump Felix immediately. Changbin kicks him out, too, along with threatening to tell Jeongin.

“Why would—why would you do that!” Jisung would stammer. “I don’t have a thing for Jeongin, you hear me? Hyung—!”

And then Changbin would shut the door in his face. Hyunjin and Jisung, though, don’t give up. They do a bunch of stupid things, like hold mistletoe over Changbin and Felix’s heads or invite them to fake hang-outs so that they can spend time alone. Stupid boys. They don’t realize that Changbin is doing his best, too.

He brings Felix gifts. Hidden treats and cups of tea at the library, and soft smiles when they pass each other in the hallways minutes before their classes start. Felix, in turn, comes to his apartment sometimes, and they watch bad movies and make fun of the actors late at night.

They bake, too, when Felix is feeling up to it, and they often end with flour in their hair and in their clothes, and Felix has to take a shower and wear Changbin’s pajamas and, because they’re custom-made, they’re too short for Felix’s gangly form. Changbin doesn’t hide that it makes him feel some type of way.

Sometimes, Changbin is so exhausted from school and work and trying to romance Felix— _romancing him_ , that’s what this is—that he falls asleep on the couch the instant that he settles down on it.

And Felix, sitting next to him, would hum softly, like Changbin could hear, and he’d thread his fingers through Changbin’s hair until his arm starts to fall asleep. He would carry Changbin then, into his bedroom and under his sheets to tuck him in. Felix would leave afterward, but he’d place a little note on Changbin’s nightstand to tell Changbin to take better care of himself.

It drives everyone mad. They all know Changbin and Felix feel something for each other. Even Changbin and Felix know. But Changbin wants this to mean something—he wants Felix to realize that he was never second best. Not even back when Changbin still thought he was in love with Hyunjin.

And then one lazy day, they sit beside each other in the university library. Their table is settled next to a window in the late afternoon, and the sun is about to set.

Felix is bent over a book—another textbook—and he’s squinting at a word he doesn’t know. He glances at Changbin briefly, as if debating on asking him or not, but he decides against it and opens a dictionary instead.

The sunset paints him in red and gold and his hair—darker now, pink having faded a little—is messy from the way he runs his hands through it every now and then. His freckles dot his face like stars. They always do, now that he loves himself more every day and doesn’t feel like he has to hide them. Even with a runny, red nose, he’s still the most precious thing.

And then Felix sneezes.

“Aish,” Changbin blurts, words tumbling out of his mouth again like pebbles down a stream.

“I’m in love,” he says, and the weight of the words hits him like a boulder.

Felix looks at him, eyes wide and gleaming. The shock fades eventually, and his expression melts into something softer. He gives Changbin a bright smile before tentatively planting a kiss on Changbin’s brow.

“I think I am, too,” he says, and he turns swiftly back to his book. He’s smiling wide, and Changbin is sure he isn’t reading anymore, because he picked the book up the wrong way and now it’s upside down. His face and ears are colored in a strawberry flush.

Changbin bites back a laugh, and he sets Felix’s book the right way before turning back to his sheet music.

When Hyunjin hears about it, he’s absolutely devastated. He calls Jisung up to Changbin’s office and says it’s an emergency meeting.

“So you’re telling me that he kissed you, and you still haven’t jumped him?” Jisung accuses. “You’re an idiot, hyung.”

“It was on my temple.” Changbin shrugs. “I know what I’m doing.”

“No, you don’t,” Hyunjin huffs from his spot on the desk. He’d fought Jisung for it, and Jisung defeatedly settled for a chair. “At this rate, bunny’s friends will let me date him before you get your shit together.”

“You admit you still want him, then?” Changbin teases. “Whatever happened to ‘just friends’?”

“That’s irrelevant.” Hyunjin waves a hand. “ _I_ know what I’m doing, but you don’t.”

“I had to break up with you because you didn’t have the guts to,” says Changbin, blowing as low as he dares because he knows Hyunjin can take it. Hyunjin only rolls his eyes.

“I was morally obligated to stay.”

“Hyung,” Jisung intervenes. “You have to date Felix. It’s driving everyone nuts.”

“I will,” Changbin says, and Jisung’s eyes light up. Hyunjin eyes them with an unreadable look on his face. “Just not now.”

“Why not?” whines Jisung. “You’re literally! In love!”

Hyunjin, now, types something into his phone. He hides it behind his back and smirks to himself when Changbin doesn’t notice.

“I am in love,” Changbin admits, “but that doesn’t mean I have to date him immediately. Maybe I want to take it slow.”

“You did like it slow,” Hyunjin muses to himself. Jisung grimaces at him. ”I’ll tell Felix.”

“ _Gross,_ ” says Jisung, and Changbin gives Hyunjin a withering look.

“Come on, hyung, you know you’re going to ask him out eventually,” says Hyunjin. “Just do it now while you’re still fresh with the budding flowers of love and youth.”

“Hyung, have you ever thought about what Felix wants?” says Jisung, and it sounds like he’s using his brain. Very dangerous for him, Changbin thinks.

“I...” Changbin pauses. “I think he’d want to be fully comfortable with me.”

“He sleeps at your house,” Jisung points out.

“That’s only sometimes.”

“I’ve seen you spoonfeed him,” Hyunjin says.

“I did that to you.”

“You _call him Yongbok,_ ” Jisung challenges. Changbin suddenly can’t reply.

“What do you think about this, Felix?” Hyunjin says out of nowhere, and Changbin freezes. Hyunjin has a smug look on his face as he pulls out his phone from behind his back.

 _Lee Felix,_ says the Caller ID, _05:43 minutes duration._

“Am I on speaker now?” comes Felix’s voice. “Oh, good.”

Changbin gapes. “Felix?”

“Hi, hyung. Jinnie called me,” he says sweetly, and Changbin can see his warm smile even if he’s not in the room. “I heard everything. Or, well, most of it.”

“Finish him!” Jisung chants severely. “Finish him, bro!”

“I think you shouldn’t be thinking so much,” says Felix. “And I think you should come meet me at at the park tonight.”

“Oooh,” say Hyunjin and Jisung, and Changbin feels paralyzed.

“I’ll be waiting for you at six, hyung,” Felix says finally. “Don’t let me down!”

Jisung jumps on Changbin the second Felix ends the call.

“Hyung!” he squeaks, shaking Changbin by the shoulders. “ _Hyuuuuuung!_ ”

“We need to get you dressed,” says Hyunjin, hopping off of the desk. “Come! Come!”

“You fucks,” laments Changbin as they drag him out of his chair. “I have documents to sign!”

They refuse to listen.

(And maybe Changbin is grateful.)

-

The night air is cold against Changbin’s cheeks. He arrives to Han River Park ten minutes early, and when he walks around he notices that Felix is already there.

He’s sitting on a bench facing the river with his hands shoved into his pockets, but there’s a peaceful look on his face.

“Hey,” Changbin says as he comes closer. Felix looks up at him and smiles.

“Hi, hyung.” Felix rises. “Let’s go on a walk.”

His hand is as small and warm as Changbin remembers it, and he laces their fingers together without asking. Felix looks proud of himself. Changbin doesn’t have the heart to do anything but squeeze him.

He doesn’t know what Felix is doing. As far as Changbin knows, they’re only wandering around aimlessly. Felix doesn’t say anything and neither does he, at least for a little while.

“How much did you hear?” Changbin asks eventually, still walking beside Felix.

Felix glances at him. “I heard a lot of things.”

“What did you... think?”

“I told you, I think you need to stop thinking so much,” Felix says. He tugs Changbin to walk a little faster. ”Wait 'til we get over there, and I’ll tell you everything.”

Changbin doesn’t know where _over there_ is, but when Felix stops walking it takes him only half a beat to realize where they are.

It’s the exact same spot where they watched the fireworks go off.

“Oh,” says Changbin. “Here...”

“Yeah,” Felix laughs. “Here.”

Changbin looks up at him. “Can we talk, now?”

“Ah, yeah,” says Felix. He tugs Changbin down. “Let’s sit, hyung, I think we’re going to need it—“

He settles down on the grass next to Felix and he fiddles with a loose thread on Felix’s jeans. Felix takes his nervous hand and holds it.

“Um. So,” Felix starts. “What we know is... one, you want me to be comfortable with you.”

“Yes,” says Changbin, and Felix continues.

“Two, I sleep at your apartment,” says Felix. “But only sometimes.”

Changbin nods.

“Three, you spoonfeed me, but you do it to Hyunjin, too,” Felix adds. “And four, I let you call me Yongbok.”

“Chan does, too, sometimes,” Changbin supplies weakly.

“Yes,” says Felix. “But I’m not in love with Chan.”

“Well, falling in love with your cousin is unusual,” Changbin says, and Felix bites back a laugh.

“Let’s not go there, hyung,” Felix says. “The last thing we know is...”

“All our friends are pissed?”

“Close, but no. The last thing we know is that...” Felix swallows. He smiles, blinding. “That I love you. And you...”

Felix watches him. The last time they were here, Felix reminded him that he was supposed to confess. And now, Felix is reminding him again.

 _You’re supposed to confess,_ Felix doesn’t tell him, but Changbin hears it anyway.

”Felix,” Changbin starts. And this time, the words don’t tumble out of his mouth like they’re fighting to be heard. This time, he lets them flow freely. “Lee Felix...”

"You know my name, hyung," prompts Felix, and he gives Changbin a soft smile. "Say my name." 

“Lee Yongbok,” Changbin says. And then, like it's the most precious thing to ever leave his lips, he says, “I love you.”

And if he wasn’t sure before, he’s definitely sure now. Felix has the heavens in his blood. The stars, the moon, the sun. They’re all behind his eyes and under his skin and maybe, maybe Felix is the sky itself. Vast, beautiful, constant. _There_.

His smile grows brighter and his cheeks warmer, and he brings Changbin’s knuckles to his lips and kisses each one.

Changbin’s heart hurts. It hurts and it swells and it tightens in his chest, and he _wants_. He wants and he gets.

“What kind of kiss is that?” Changbin tugs him forward. “Come over here and give me a proper one.”

And then Felix falls into his arms, and Felix does.

His lips, warm and pink and chapped, are pliant against Changbin’s own. His slight fingers gentle in Changbin’s hair, and his knees steady beside Changbin’s thighs. He murmurs against Changbin’s lips—sweet nothings, and Changbin pulls away only because he wants to hear them.

“I love you,” Felix says again. “I love you, and I’m comfortable with you.”

Changbin, breathing heavy, can only nod.

“What are you waiting for, hyung?” Felix laughs. “Ask me to be yours.”

“...Be my boyfriend?” Changbin says obediently. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Felix kisses him again. Presses their foreheads together. “Thought you’d never ask. Of course I will.”

It feels like the end of things. Like the end of something old, and the start of something new. Like it's some High School Musical song, and Changbin is only here to listen. It feels like relief and calm and peace and love and all the positive things Changbin can think of and it feels—it feels like _something._

(Like a happy ending.)

The air eventually gets too chilly for them and Changbin has to take him to the apartment. They do nothing in bed but curl into each other and whisper their names and caress each other’s cheeks and love, and love, and love. They love.

(It feels like a gift, what they have. It feels like—like everything is going to be okay.)

Felix falls asleep quietly. Under his skin, the stars thrum. Changbin kisses his freckles one by one, and Felix, even in his slumber, smiles at Changbin’s touch.

In each other’s arms, their hearts glow, luminesce.

And they are home.

**Author's Note:**

> bunny facts
> 
> 1\. i’ve written four (4) hyunjin/bunny fics  
> 2\. three (3) of them are Sin  
> 3\. the last one is just of them crying  
> 4\. none of those are published and they never will be  
> 5\. it doesn’t matter how much i love them  
> 6\. also bunny is not an original character  
> 7\. bunny is very much real  
> 8\. and you will never find out who he is
> 
> P.S. you can try tho  
> P.P.S. i’m @salipavvpavv on twitter if you’re interested in chatting me up ((-: or like yelling at me abt things thats fine too


End file.
